The autumn wind
2025-10-23 10:32:09 - Kusula
As I stood on the rail of the bridge, I looked into the water, and it was breathtakingly beautiful. But even if it’s beautiful, with whom do I share it? When I looked to the front, I stretched my arms as far as possible. And as I did, I could feel the morning air hitting my face. At that moment, I close my eyes, feeling my stomach lurch, but before I hit the water, I woke up from my imagination and realized that I was still on the sidewalk of the bridge. Glancing around, I spotted groups lighting fireworks, laughing with friends.
“If I did it now, their moment of happiness will be a moment of trauma,” I mumbled to myself.
I realized that maybe this was a sign not to end it all, but instead to make amends to the people I had broken.
I took my bike from the railing and started to bike home. As I was biking home, I passed some rice fields. In those rice fields, there were lots of people doing multiple different things. Some kids played with their kites, others did farming, and some spent time with their loved ones. When I looked to the front, I felt the breeze of the chilly air. I then saw the sun setting with the silhouette of the mountain that was so lovely I wished I could spend it with someone, but I guess there isn’t that someone in my life. But all of this sorta gave me a nostalgic vibe from when I was young, as that was when my life was still happy.
I finished biking through the rice fields, then I went to a bakery to buy bread as a snack. When I went inside, the bell rang and the bakery clerk greeted me. Regretfully, I can’t look at her face because of what happened a few years back. I told her that I wanted to buy some bread while looking at the floor.
“Hey, you okay? Something on your mind?” she asks. I knew if I told her, then she would be worried about me, so I just said that everything’s fine.
I paid for the bread and went out, but as I was about to leave the bakery, I felt something on my cheeks. When I felt it, I wiped it away, but I realized it was actually tears. As I realized it was tears, I started to cry uncontrollably because of the interaction I had with her. Ever since third grade, even when I was in middle and high school. No one had asked me “how I was”, no one had actually cared about me like that. I got on my bike and started to bike home as fast as possible with tears flying from my eyes, because I didn’t want her to see me crying.
As I arrived in front of the house, I wiped away the tears so my mother wouldn’t know and wouldn't need to care. I got inside my house, and my mother greeted me, she then told me that my cousin will be staying for a few months because her parents are really busy right now.
My mother then offered me dinner, but I wasn’t hungry at the time, so I didn’t eat dinner. When I got in my room, I sat behind the door. As I was sitting behind the door, I started to daydream about what happened a few years back.
“Good morning, students. Today you will have a new student in class, and her name is Alya, so treat her with respect.” The teacher told everyone.
When she got into class, her blue eyes seemed to pierce my lonely soul. Her eyes were so beautiful it was blue like the ocean, and her appearance was overall beautiful. But one thing that stood out was that she was very shy. At first, I wanted to be friends with her, but my friends had a different plan.
“She seems pretty shy, so we can probably tease her,” said one of my friends.
I wasn’t sure about their plan, but they told me that it was fine and that nothing would go wrong. When we first teased her, it was light and not that deep, for example, like poking her shoulders and then saying that it wasn’t us. But after a while, my friends started to notice that she is very vulnerable, and so they started going too far. They started to push her around and attack her verbally.
While all of this was happening, something changed about how I act towards her. At first, I wanted to be close to her, but before I could, she had already been befriended by others. I was fine at first, but then they treated me like something worthless ever since she joined this school, because now they focus on her more than me. Day by day I go to school, and the same people who greeted me with joy at school now act like I don’t exist. My resentment toward her deepened, fueled by a mix of envy, irritation, and sorrow.
One day, as she came towards me, she asked me, “Is anything wrong? The past few weeks, you started to distance yourself from me. If anything’s wrong, just say it, no need to hide it. If there is something wrong, then let's be friends and talk through it.”
When I heard the last sentence, my eyes widened as I never thought she would say that to me. Even after all I did, even after all the bad actions I did towards her, she still asked me to be friends with her. I opened my mouth with the thought of wanting to say yes, but before I could say anything, my mind reminded me. My mind at that moment started reminding me of why I even distanced myself from her.
My mind started to say to me, “Remember, the reason you distanced yourself from her. Remember how differently you got treated after she joined this school.”
I tried to ignore what my mind was saying to me, but then I asked myself, “If I were to be friends with her, would it solve the reason. Does it solve the reason why I distanced myself from her? Does it solve the way I get treated differently?”
Resentment filled my eyes, and as I looked at her, she had a very innocent face. But even with that innocent face, my hands grabbed the nearest sand. With the sand in my hand, I threw it as hard as I could at her. As the sand reached her, she, with tears swelling up, got hit right on the head.
As she looked at me, she asked with a heavy heart, “W-what did I do… All I wanted to do was be friends with you…”
She then turned around and started running. I reached out my arm with only one thing in mind, forgiveness.
I then looked at my hands, visibly shaking, tears dropping, I said to myself, “Why, just why, did you just do that. Did you not think about what you were doing to her? Even when you get good opportunities, even when people forgive you, you always manage to throw it all away.”
As I sat in class, the teacher came while holding Alya’s hand. The tension kept growing and growing as I was looking around the classroom. My friends' faces were full of fear, while my classmates' faces weren't better. When the teacher’s mouth opened, I knew what I had done yesterday. I was just devastated because I knew there would be consequences.
“So Alya’s mother told me about what happened yesterday. Can anyone tell me who threw sand at Alya yesterday?” the teacher asked with the tension at its boiling point.
When I turned to see my friends, they were pointing their fingers straight at me. My eyes immediately widened when I saw that. But as I turned to see the others, they were already pointing at me too. The teacher told me to stand up. I tried to argue that I wasn’t the only one, but everything was against me. As I was standing up, my heart was pounding with guilt and betrayal. The teacher then told me to go to the principal's office.
While I was walking to the principal's office, I stared out the window and saw a reflection of myself. But that reflection wasn’t who I remembered I was. It was an older version of me that looked sad and lonely.
Before I went inside the principal’s office, my mother, who was already in, told me to stay outside. I heard yelling even from outside the office.
As my mother went outside after the yelling, her nose was bleeding, her cheeks bruised, and a smile after all of that. As she got to me, she told me, “Don’t do that again, would you?”
The next day, as I got inside my class, everyone was looking at me while whispering to their friends. Everywhere I went, people were whispering to their friends. I tried to ignore them by going to my friends, but even they were whispering about me.
Ever since that day, my guilt has overwhelmed me. And for some reason, I just couldn't see people's faces, because if I did, they would always be whispering about me. Even if I did try to see their faces, it would just be like telling me what I have done.
My mother started to knock on my door, which immediately woke me up. When I opened the door, she told me that I should start preparing to go to sleep. After she told me that, I left my bedroom to go wash my face and brush my teeth.
As I looked in the mirror, I said to myself, “I guess I didn’t end it today. But how do I even make amends? I don’t even know where Alya is.”
After I finished preparing to go to sleep, I lay on the floor looking at the roof while the moonlight was going through the window. As I was lying down, I didn’t really know what to do with my life now, because I wanted to make amends, but I don’t know how. I really don’t know how, cause I don’t even know where to begin. While I was thinking about it hard, my eyes started to close little by little until it closed once and didn’t open until the morning.
As I opened my eyes, the sunlight immediately blinded me, which was coming through the window. I sat on the floor and already heard conversations downstairs, probably from my mother and my cousin. Then I heard my mother calling my name, telling me to go downstairs. While I went downstairs, I didn’t really feel anything; it was like I felt a sort of numbness.
When I arrived in the kitchen, my mother said to me, “Good morning, Elias, I’ve already prepared some food for you, and afterward you can play with your little cousin.”
I knew my schedule was pretty busy today, so I told my mother, “In the morning I might go to school for an extracurricular activity, so maybe I might not be able to play with Finn today.”
My mother understood what I meant so before she went to work she took Finn with her and as her car was leaving the parking lot, I felt sorta annoyed that I needed to do the extracurricular activity. But even with all of that I prepared my book and then my bike. I started biking through the crowd of people, park, and entrance of the school before I arrived.
As I arrived at the school, I started walking nervously as it’s been a while since I did any extracurricular activities. Before I reached the room though, there I saw in the distance, Alya. I immediately ran to her with my mind full of what I have sought after, redemption. I called her name as I got close to her, but as she turned around and saw me she immediately started running as fast as possible away from me. Every second I run after her, the longer my grasp for air is, because all of this is for all the guilt I have let overwhelm me in all these years.
When she looked back, I saw that her eyes that were supposed to be filled with anger were instead filled with guilt. She then ran behind a wall. As I saw that I looked behind the wall and there she was, crying hopelessly while sitting behind the wall. At the same time I saw that, I came towards her.
“I’m sorry, everything's my fault. Everything that happened from you bullying me to you getting isolated is all my fault. I’m a burden to everyone...” Alya said as she was trembling from regret.
At that moment, everything went black for me.
“So all these years, Alya thought that it was her fault that I became like this?” I asked myself with regret.
I didn’t know what to say to her as the silence grew louder and louder. Every passing moment, every person walking by, I stood there. Not knowing what to even do, because how did I make her think that all of this was her fault. Was it not obvious enough that everything was my fault instead. As I just stood there, the sound of people talking, the sound of the cars outside, the sound of the walking became absent. All I could hear was my heart beating as I nervously looked on the floor.
“Want to talk about it later?” she asked softly.
My head instantly looked up with shock as I never thought she would ask me. My body started to quiver with hesitation, because I never thought I would deserve remotely what she asked. As I looked into her blue eyes which were begging, I had to give in.
“Sure…” I said nervously.
When afternoon rolled around, I was already waiting on the bridge she told me to wait at. The autumn wind started to blow gently through the air. A single leaf landed in front of me which was already orange like how I remembered a year ago. The rest of the leaves blew with the wind, and as it landed on the glimmering water someone was calling my name. The moment I turned around to see who was calling me, Alya was already right in front of me.
“I’m so sorry it took a while, my lesson took longer than expected.” she said with the chilly air around her.
“It’s okay, I don’t mind waiting very long to meet you.” I responded.
As I stood there with my heart pounding, the silence grew. Even when the silence grew I stood there with awe. All because she was prettier than I remembered in my mind. Her blue eyes sparkling as she made eye contact with me. Her hair was so beautiful as it got carried by the wind. Her scarf that looked so perfect on her was also getting carried by the wind.
But shortly after I realized that she doesn’t have a jacket so I asked her with a soft voice “Are you not cold in the autumn wind? The wind will make your body and your hand cold.”
After I asked her, I put my jacket over her as the wind is getting colder and colder the longer the day drags on. Her head instantly turned to me. Her ear became red and it looked like she tried to say something but her mouth looked like it didn’t know what to say.
“I guess you are right, it is cold.” She said to me delicately
As she looked at me with her glimmering blue eyes, the last reflection of sunlight on her eyes started to fade away from her. The chilly wind became stronger as she was holding the jacket tightly in her warm hands. The bridge lights started to turn on as the sun was on the horizon, and all I could do was stand there while looking into her eyes. But before I knew it she looked at her watch.
“I’m sorry, I need to go home now. Maybe I will be able to talk to you in the future.” she said to me with a sweet smile.
The moment she started walking away I looked into the water and saw some drops. As I looked closer there was a reflection of me in the rippled water, and that reflection was I with tears in my eyes. I tried to wipe it away, but it was no use. While I sat there with the tears still dropping, and at that moment I started to realize why. Why could I actually make eye contact with her? After all this time, I never once cared about someone deeply until now. Now I have someone to lose after all these years, and if I hurt get hurt, someone will care about what happened to me.