A Wall of Blue

The white light passed through the tiny square window, with each refracted ray landing on my face. Every wrinkle that is printed on my blanket, could only be used to tell how much I have been fighting with my sheets. And with each droplet that drops from my eyes, I could only be reminded by the cold air. My hand twitched as every finger tried to hang on to my phone. But with every passing moment, my finger slips little by little with the realization that I have been only talking to a wall. With that understanding, the wall still only gives me the title of “left on read”. The phone that used to be the saving grace from the rotting room now has become a place of foreign feelings.

Each of my eyes fell slowly until you texted on how much you wanted to talk to me after you came back from your school. With every bubble you sent, I could feel the fierce excitement within your bright eyes. And how much you begged me to still chat even with both of our energy already drained. Now you just reminded me that today is your birthday so maybe I should spend my saved up money on some plushies. Or maybe somewhere so that we can eat together. Well this afternoon we should really meet.

I looked at my phone waiting for any notification, but that only lasted until I saw someone waving at me.

“Let’s go, what are you waiting for?” She waved so excitedly in my direction, that I didn’t know whether that was for me or not.

I looked around and realized that the excitement was oriented towards me. That realization made my legs run so fast towards her that I didn’t pay attention to what the others were thinking about me. And when our hands touched, she just grabbed my hand and giggled along. I tried squinting my eyes in order to believe whether this is truly happening, and all that came out was tears. She noticed the fact that I was holding on to her hand harder. So she turned around to only be met with my watery eyes.

She slowly reached her hand out to my hair and started to caress my hair slowly. She looked at me with the look of someone who finally cared about me. “It’s okay to cry my handsome boy, you don’t need to hold it in anymore.”

I grabbed her shirt so tightly and yet, she still only cared about how much exhaustion I am releasing. After all the self-loathing in my dark room, after all the meals I have skipped, and after all lack of warmth I have felt, I now only see light. Her thick hair that barely reaches her collarbone, smells so much like the first sight I laid on you. Her small slim figure that is so easy to wrap my arms around feels just much as my mother before her age reached her. And her concern that can be felt with the water from her eyes, and how much she is trying to let me hold on to her.

She lowered my head to her level, and her mouth just barely opened up. “You can wake up now, your eyes have fallen slowly and so now is the time for your eyes to open up slowly.”

With that, the alarm goes off just as the sunlight reaches my face. All of that, just for me to still cling with the wall of “left on read” that you have set up.